What a Difference a Week Makes!

So, I am feeling much better now, thankyouverymuchforasking.

I realized, that if someone had asked me one year ago what my ideal life would be like today, I would have responded that I wanted the following things:

1. A wonderful boyfriend/partner - CHECK!
2. A good, stable job with decent health benefits - CHECK!
3. My massage practice to be to a point where I am seeing 2-3 clients a week consistently - CHECK!
4. My dog not peeing on the floor anymore - CHECK! (and truly, this might be appropriately placed slightly higher on the list)
5. In grad school, working to get myself out of debt - CHECK! (more on my master financial plan at a later date!)
   
6. I would have more yarn - CHECK, double CHECK and triple CHECK! (the stash getteth out of hand!)

This brings up the question of why am I feeling overwhelmed if I have all the things I thought I wanted? I think it was more a feeling of, for the first time in a long time, my life seems to be going ferociously in the direction I want it to, and that is a little scary. There has been a great deal of change going on around here in the last 10 months, and that is scary, but at the same time, the things that are changing are all things that I wanted to change, and I am grateful for where I am and to be abale to do the things I want to do with the people I want to do them with.

For the past week, whenever I felt overwhelmed by what was going on, I just took a step back, and said to myself "this is what you are doing right now, at this very minute (i.e. driving in the car, walking to my office, knitting a never ending surprise wedding present for my BFF), doesn't matter what is going on in ten minutes or ten days, this is what you are doing now and this is what is important." This focusing in on the present has really helped me to come back into myself a little, if that makes sense. I tend to get super stressed out about all the things that are going on in my life that are coming up instead of enjoying the things that happen to me as they are actually occurring. This past week, I made a concerted effort to not let myself do that, and it has made a huge change in how I feel.

I'm doing what I can, when I can, and instead of feeling overwhelmed, I feel grateful that I have the kind of life that I wanted and now know I am capable of having. I'm taking it one day at a time, and trying to change my perspective on things. For example, I am no longer saying "I have to fly to Florida by myself for the first time since 9/11 and pick up a rental car and then drive all over Florida to go pick up my HNB who will most likely already be drunk and then go to a wedding where I know exactly three people, all in the same day."

New attitude is dudes, I'm f***ing going to Florida - pass the sunscreen!

Update on this week's activities: Had a super fun time last weekend with HNB at the track; my lawyer friend "gently" informed him that I was allowed to bring knitting. I brought it, but didn't actually do any knitting because I never got bored. I did, however, bring the baby sweater I had been working on for my lawyer friend's new niece, and she loved it, so that got finished up and delivered this week. HNB bought me my own motorcycle helmet(!) and it matches the new one he bought for himself...now if he could only get the part he needs to get the bike fixed so we could go riding, we'd be all set! Grad school is starting on 9/10, and I am all set, and excited even - I got all my financial aid paperwork done and my employer's tuition reimbursement will pay for both of my classes this semester and the books I need for them. My mother is doing fine and feeling much better actually. All is good over here at the kniternet, all is good! I am going shopping for a dress to wear to both weddings today, and may stop in for a pedicure. I also have to go to the LYS to pick out some buttons, darn...doesn't that just sound like a terrible day ; ) Peace out kiddies!

Full

When I was in massage school, I had a teacher, who, amongst other wonderful quotes such as "Nervousness is just excitement without breath" (really, think about it and its true!), also used to say "I'm full."

Not full in the sense that she ate too may burritos at the burrito bar or consumed a whole bag of Oreos on her own in front of the TV the night before. Nope. What she meant is the feeling when you have just taken in too much information, when there is just too much going on in your life and in you head and you don't quite know what to do but cut yourself off from it.

Needless to say kids, I am full.

In the past few weeks, I have come to the conclusion that I really love HNB in a way that is almost uncomfortable for me to deal with, because I haven't felt quite this way about someone in over ten years, and even then, it didn't feel like this.

My dog got completely out of control and then bit me (!) so HNB (who thinks he is the Dog Whisperer) and I have been working with him to do some long overdue dog training, and HNB has been working on trying to get me to treat the dog as a, um, dog, and not my child. It has been difficult for us all.

Also, my BFF....preggers and engaged and getting married next month!!!! I have her wedding surprise that I am crafting (on the off chance she has time to surf the web and comes a wandering over here, I am not telling you all what I am doing..suffice it to say though it is loverly and third time is a charm with the crafting).

Other BFF from college is also with child, and I have a combo surprise baby shower and "bachelorette party" weekend down in NYC that I hadn't really planned on time wise and money wise, because....HNB and I are going to Florida the next week for one of his really good friend's weddings.

The wedding is on Saturday, so I am flying down on the earliest flight that day. Um, yeah, my vacation time is a little lacking as of right now. I have managed to get Monday and Tuesday off, and will be flying back on Wednesday morning and going right to work from 11:30-8:00pm. Lather rinse, repeat.

My massage practice has somehow blossomed into its own thriving little entity, in fact, I just had a call from a new client who booked for Monday night, which means, for the first time ever at my "new" office (I have been there over a year), I will have back to back clients. While super excited and grateful for this, I am a little concerned with the amount of time I spend on my massage therapy practice (in addition to my forty hour a week job) because....

...I got accepted to grad school, and am supposed to start on Monday. Like in three days Monday. Don't have any books, don't have any financial aide paperwork done because my advisor hasn't created a profile for me to be able to log on and get started. Have no way to pay for anything (tuition, books, my credit card bills) until I get the student loan. Someone hand me a paddle, I am up a crick.

All of this, combined with various other situations such as my mother having surgery yesterday because she has been sick for two weeks and never told me about either situation (she's kinda passive aggressive like that); the fact that I am going to the track and to a party tomorrow that I had no idea I was going to until yesterday and will be gone all day instead of home doing the nothing that I had been looking forward to doing all week; next weekend, I really want to go to the Great New York State Fair with HNB, but am concerned that I will get more stressed out by going than I would be upset by not going; I talk on the phone all day with elderly people who don't understand their health insurance (sometimes, I even get to talk to them under my desk because I have to yell at them so loudly that I have to get under there for the echo).

For poops and giggles, we will add to all of this the fact that I am making all my Christmas presents for 2007 and 2008 (please see the forgotten about list to you right). I have an insane amount of knitting and crafting to do, and basically, once all this wonderful stuff is over and dealt with, we will be in October and the Holiday crafting will be in full scary swing. All I have to say is HNB told me I can't bring knitting with me to the track on Saturday - he is incorrect, I can and I must (I will put it away at Uncle Ryan's party though babe, promise!) and Lawd help the TSA agent who may try to take my needles away from me when I fly to Florida. You may get to read about that one in the papers!

So, the point of this post, besides explaining where I have been and where I will be, is to inform you posting will be spotty at best around here for the next couple of weeks. Also, I feel better for having gotten my frustrations out in written form (have I mentioned I am also a little bit cranky because I haven't been writing or working on the book lately??). At any rate, also, I have decided that a daily mediation practice is in order, and I will begin working on that today. Also, taking a page from Aunt Pearl (she's crazy you know!) and giving this a shot. I am going with October 28, sound like a good day for a breakdown, no?

You Know You Miss Me

Yes. So my life seems to be a repetitive continuous stream of HNB is here = stay up late and wake up early to take out the dogs; HNB not here = can't sleep until after midnight but am so tired when the alarm goes off in the morning that I am useless. Sigh....

At any rate, this weeks WWWdotWEDNESDAYdotCOM goes to what may be the best name for a knitting blog ever! Knit and Tonic is a very funny sight. She is a designer and very talented writer. Unlike a lot of knit blogs, hers is not filled with pictures of her kids and stories about them, which can get a little annoying (maybe like reading a knit blog that is all about someones new boyfriend......). I think you will enjoy reading her site, right now she is photographing pictures for her first knitting book that she is publishing.

K, this is a quickie - I have a lot to do before I leave for work and not a lot of time to do it. Sorry for the lack of posting lately, but you know how it is in the summer. Peace out!