Friday, June 22, 2007

Crabs

This post is PG-13....if for some strange reason you are younger than that and are reading my blog, I don't know whats wrong with you - go outside and play already or something! And my dear goodness, why are your parents letting you read knitting blogs???

So, Captain Obvious is going to tell you something astute blog readers will already know:

#5 got crossed off the list

It isn't my intention to draw attention to this fact, nor for all of you single people out there am I trying to rub your nose in it and make you feel bad (I always used to feel that way about things of this nature when I was single, and I was single for a looooong time!). I bring this fact up so that we may have a discussion about the fact that while I feel perfectly safe and comfortable enough with HNB to consummate our relationship (in a safe and latex protected manner of course), I had a trifle of a meltdown over the fact that he "did some stuff" to my computer.

My computer is my baby. I love it. I spend a lot of time with it; granted it is a lot less time since HNB came onto the scene (Super Sorry Lawyer friend for the lack of blogging, but damn it if that boy hasn't totally screwed up my schedule. Tell your MB [short for Middleburgh Boy] to take mine out sometime and then maybe we can go to dinner, AND I can write a blog post for you!). Tangent. Back on track.

I have used this computer to start a business, write a novel, and meet more people on Internet dating sites than any person should have a right to. My email is here (all 5 accounts that I have). I have used this computer to build a website, a blog and find overwhelming quantities of knitting patterns I want to make (all of which are saved into my favorites). My pictures are here. This 7 pounds of wire and electronic and plastic tomfoolery is my home and my friend.

I may have mentioned, or then again maybe not because not so much with the blogging lately, but HNB = Super Smart Boy. Like freaky smart to the point where I feel a little less smart because he is so freakin' intelligent. For those of you who know me, I do pride myself on being a little bit of a smartypants, but this guy is like a smarty trousers. With a nice cuff and well pressed crease...point being, the boy is a nerd.

He started complaining recently that my computer is slow. I will admit that it is not the fastest thing going, but it is two years old and I got it for only $449 and there is an entire season of The Shield saved to my hard drive. All I expect is that my baby starts up in the morning, connects to my LAN, gives me my email and takes me to the magical tubes of the Internet. I don't care if I need to wait five minutes for it to warm up and get started - I turn it on, plug it in and take the dog for a walk, the system works as soon as you get on board with it. Trust me.

Well, after listening to him whine for two weeks about how slow my computer is and how annoyed he is getting with it, I gave in and told him he could fiddle faddle with it to see what he could do. I'm telling you that man's eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning - he got that "Man get to fix thing, man LIKE fix thing" look in his eyes, a sparkly little twinkle that said he was soooo looking forward to this.

Then, I, the computer's mommy, got a little knot in my stomach. Dude was totally going to screw up my computer! I was sure of it.

I yanked it (lovingly) away from him and told him I needed to check something. I pulled up one of my email accounts to make sure the latest version of the novel is there, safe and sound. And then I let him proceed. I sat there, wishing that I could drink a martini or twelve, and watched as his eyes got big and excited and his fingers trickled over my keyboard - then it hit me.

I was totally willing to let this guy have sex with me, but was completely unwilling to let him monkey around with my computer. What kind of sense does that make?

Worse thing that could happen with the computer is that I lose all of the information I have saved. Worse case scenario with the sex - lets not go there.

In the end, I sat there and just watched him, thinking in my head that I was a complete whack job and that this would all make a lovely blog post. As soon as he finished destroying my computer and I went any bought another one so that I could blog again. I must admit I feel like I am channeling Carrie Bradshaw with this one, and that kind of makes me want to vomit a little.

When all was said and done, he did find a virus (or three) on my computer, and he looked up at me with an evil smile and said "Babe, you have crabs." Because that is a statement that a girl wants to hear from her boyfriend. All the time. Seriously. Even if he is just referring to her computer.

I swear that I can tell no difference in the way the computer is working or how fast it starts up, because I still turn it on in the morning before I take Kendall out and it is ready to go when I come back in. I now have Mozilla Fire Fox instead of Internet Explorer, even though I don't know why, and the only difference I see is there is no "Refresh" button on my browser now and all of my favorites (which HNB so kindly imported for me) are all now called "bookmarks" and are listed alphabetically.

I guess that I am happy he "fixed" it for me, although, by his own account, it still isn't fast enough for him and is still pissing him off. I for one am just happy that neither my computer nor I have crabs. Seriously, who says that?! If there are any boys reading the blog, take note and put that on the list of things you will never say to a girl, for ANY reason - trust me, she doesn't want to hear it. Even if she is standing in the shallow water of Chesapeake Bay, with an actual crab (The kind you would eat) attached to her skin somewhere via those nasty crab claws - Girlfriend doesn't want to hear it. Seriously.

1 comment:

Your lawyer said...

First, my MB has called your MB to go out. However, your MB always ignores him because he is either at work or spending time with you. That is a fact.
Second, I completely understand how you feel about your computer. About a year ago I bought a new one because the old one was my baby from college and had several viruses and was dying. It had been good to me and gotten me through 4 years of college and 3 years of law school and it was time to move on. One of the first things that was put onto this new computer was Mozilla Fire Fox. Granted, I was used to it because I had it on my old computer thanks to my MB as well as my computer tech friend Jeff. It does have a refresh button. My MB boy works with computers all day and I still don't like him touching it but he does anyway and says he fixes it and I really notice no difference. You have to understand that both your MB and my MB built their computers from the ground up. They ordered the parts they wanted and put them together to create super computers. At least you no longer have a virus on yours. He definitely should not have told you that you have crabs. And you should still be able to use Internet Explorer unless he deleted it completely.